The Christmas Letter

The Christmas Letter: A Play in Two Pages
LANE and MICHAEL are sitting at the kitchen table drinking coffee one morning shortly before Christmas. Both are in bathrobes and look tousled.
LANE
When are you going to do the Christmas letter? It’s getting late.
MICHAEL
I’m not.
LANE
Why?
MICHAEL
We had a boring year and there isn’t much to say. Besides, I wrote the letter last year.
LANE
No, I wrote the letter. Then you decided it wasn’t good enough, so you rewrote it. That doesn’t count.
MICHAEL
I’m still not going to write a Christmas letter.
LANE.
Fine, then I’ll write it.
MICHAEL
(seriously) It’s a waste of time when you could be baking Christmas cookies instead. Besides, no matter who writes it, we still had a boring year.
LANE.
Not for me! I think it was pretty exciting to get my play produced. And it got really good reviews.
MICHAEL
(nodding) Well, okay. That was exciting. But that was it.
LANE
Victoria started high school this year. Aren’t you excited about that?
MICHAEL
Oh, yeah! (waving his finger in the air) Algebra homework and boys, Two things that always get my engine running.
LANE
(rolling her eyes) You’re cute. But didn’t she look darling in her homecoming dress?
MICHAEL.
Darling isn’t exciting … and no one ever told me how much that dress cost.
LANE
(smug) Like you always tell me, that’s a “need to know” thing.
MICHAEL
(pointing at LANE with his coffee mug) I suppose you think it’s exciting that you’re going to Vermont in February and leaving me all alone with Victoria for a whole month. But that’s going to happen in 2006, so it doesn’t’ belong in the 2005 Christmas letter.
LANE
Well, it’s a coming attraction. We can preview it. Besides, I got the fellowship award in 2005. (smiling) Oh, speaking of fellowships, how about my scholarship to the TMCC writers’ conference last April?
MICHAEL
(skeptically) Conference, huh? I still think it was a just an excuse to gamble in Reno. (pauses thoughtfully) You know, all this “exciting stuff” seems to be about you.
LANE
Well, you won several awards in the monthly print competitions for the Houston Photographic Society. And you’re going to be its president next year.
MICHAEL
(ruefully) If I had checked caller id, and remembered who was on the nominating committee, that wouldn’t have happened.
LANE.
Okay. Victoria’s Girl Scout choir sang at a Rockets game, an Astros game, an Aeros game, a Comets game, the ballet, and Dickens on the Strand. (triumphantly) Even you have to admit that was exciting.
MICHAEL
Not when you’re the chauffeur.
LANE
You are such a humbug. (perking up) But speaking of chauffeurs, what about the evacuation from Hurricane Rita?
MICHAEL
Let’s see. Fifty miles in twelve hours. Way fun. And another five hours to get to Dallas from there. The only exciting thing about it was our mini-vacation in Omaha.
LANE
Good point. (pauses, thinking) Our 29th wedding anniversary is in a few days!
MICHAEL
(mischievously) Doesn’t time fly when you’re having fun? It seems like we been together since the last century. That’s a millennium, isn’t it?
LANE
Very funny. You really think you’re cute, don’t you?
MICHAEL
(grinning) Yes, I do! I’ll tell you what, if you think you can put all of this together into a coherent and interesting Christmas letter, go ahead. I’ll bake the cookies.
LANE.
(they tap their coffee mugs together) Deal!
LANE AND MICHAEL
(in unison) Merry Christmas, happy holidays, and a joyful new year to all.

Black out.
MICHAEL
(later, offstage) I don’t think writing a play counts as a letter. You just tricked me into baking the cookies.